it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
