He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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