video games are the ultimate cock blocker
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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