sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
