We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
