I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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