The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
