Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
