I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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