Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
