the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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