Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
