It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
