i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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