she was so not down for the gang bang
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Randomize
