I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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