just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize