My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
The Olympian is in my bed
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
