Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
