I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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