hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
