MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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