I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
