Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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