Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
