Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
