I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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