I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
