my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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