and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
