trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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