Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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