I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
