All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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