I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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