He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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