i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
