i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
