I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
