SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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