Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
