dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
We need to get me chipped asap
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