Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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