May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
