Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
