hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
