Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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