i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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