do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
