Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
