so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
