Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
