He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
