She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
you will always have a special place in my vag
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
