Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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