He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
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