Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
