Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i wish my penis had a tongue
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
