why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
