I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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