life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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