I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
