I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
